Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Spotless Mind
Isn't it strange how a story or movie can both entertain us and leave us questioning areas of our own lives? I recently watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," which left me wondering this: if I knew a relationship would probably end (and possibly badly) would I still choose to live through the relationship, or would I forgo the experience altogether. As with many of life's questions, this one is multifaceted: would I be willing to give up the good memories to forget the bad; what effects would the relationship have on future romantic contact; and am I sated with a transient companionship, or am I seriously looking to find a life-long mate?
To wholly forgo the experience of the relationship would prevent all of the harsh words, hurt feelings, and heart-broken moments, but at what cost? There must have been some good times for the relationship to have taken firm enough root to engender any deep pains. Would the elimination of the bad memories be compensation enough for the loss of the good ones? While the pain of a relation's demise can be excruciating, is it not also exquisite? While in the throes of this pain, I've never questioned my existence, nor have I pondered any of the "deep" questions that fall upon us in times of life's occasional monotony. While I'm not intentionally masochistic in my romantic pursuits, I know that the pain and the pleasure are both part of the relationship. I would rather feel something- anything - than nothing at all: hot and cold water are more pleasing to my palate than lukewarm. Or, in the words of some famous dead master of the English language (a guy who shook a spear) "'Tis better to have loved and to have lost than never to have loved at all."
But how will this love affect my future relationships? There is the possibility that it could leave me cold and bitter towards any who would try to enchant my heart. For this to happen, I would have to the hope of finding what my parents, grandparents, and so many others around me have found: lasting love. Giving up hope is out of character for me, making this improbable. What is more likely is that I will gain both experience in connecting with another person, and a better view of who I am and what I want/need in a companion.
The most tricky of the sub-questions is the last: am I satisfied to have a relationship that I know is likely as transient as the pimples that plagued my high school visage, or do I need something I believe to be more enduring? At this point in my life, I still have many years ahead of me. I am entering four years of intense schooling with very little time for anything else, and a few after that in which I'll have even less free time. I cannot honestly believe that a relationship will [definitely] stand up to that gauntlet. I find it more satisfying to rest my mind in the belief that each relationship will last as long as God intends it, and that there will be one relationship that will last from my [one and only] wedding until death's bells toll. For where I am now, a companionship that is potentially evanescent is sufficient.
While any relationship I have may end badly, I think I would rather have the full experience of the relationship than play it safe and guard myself against heartache. Without the dark, the colors on the silver screen are never as bright and vivid. If I knew for a fact that a relationship that I am in right now were doomed, I would still want to live every moment of it. I have enjoyed every moment of it - both the fun/easy and the more difficult - and I will continue to enjoy it for as long as it lasts.
To wholly forgo the experience of the relationship would prevent all of the harsh words, hurt feelings, and heart-broken moments, but at what cost? There must have been some good times for the relationship to have taken firm enough root to engender any deep pains. Would the elimination of the bad memories be compensation enough for the loss of the good ones? While the pain of a relation's demise can be excruciating, is it not also exquisite? While in the throes of this pain, I've never questioned my existence, nor have I pondered any of the "deep" questions that fall upon us in times of life's occasional monotony. While I'm not intentionally masochistic in my romantic pursuits, I know that the pain and the pleasure are both part of the relationship. I would rather feel something- anything - than nothing at all: hot and cold water are more pleasing to my palate than lukewarm. Or, in the words of some famous dead master of the English language (a guy who shook a spear) "'Tis better to have loved and to have lost than never to have loved at all."
But how will this love affect my future relationships? There is the possibility that it could leave me cold and bitter towards any who would try to enchant my heart. For this to happen, I would have to the hope of finding what my parents, grandparents, and so many others around me have found: lasting love. Giving up hope is out of character for me, making this improbable. What is more likely is that I will gain both experience in connecting with another person, and a better view of who I am and what I want/need in a companion.
The most tricky of the sub-questions is the last: am I satisfied to have a relationship that I know is likely as transient as the pimples that plagued my high school visage, or do I need something I believe to be more enduring? At this point in my life, I still have many years ahead of me. I am entering four years of intense schooling with very little time for anything else, and a few after that in which I'll have even less free time. I cannot honestly believe that a relationship will [definitely] stand up to that gauntlet. I find it more satisfying to rest my mind in the belief that each relationship will last as long as God intends it, and that there will be one relationship that will last from my [one and only] wedding until death's bells toll. For where I am now, a companionship that is potentially evanescent is sufficient.
While any relationship I have may end badly, I think I would rather have the full experience of the relationship than play it safe and guard myself against heartache. Without the dark, the colors on the silver screen are never as bright and vivid. If I knew for a fact that a relationship that I am in right now were doomed, I would still want to live every moment of it. I have enjoyed every moment of it - both the fun/easy and the more difficult - and I will continue to enjoy it for as long as it lasts.
# posted by Jeffrey @ 10:54 AM 
